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The Wedding Planner, not starring J.Lo

Me: I finally watched the purple wedding.

Her: Joffrey is such a little chatch.

Me: You’ve gotta hate someone.

Her: List of people you can hate: Cersei, the lady that birthed period blood in air form, the man that chopped off Jamie’s hand and hung it around his neck like an asshole…

Me: NOT THE POINT.

Her: …everyone that came to the wedding and was mean to Tyrion because what a guy, social media spoiler-ers…

Me: STILL NOT THE POINT.

Her: …George R.R. Martin for making us all love his nonsense so much.

Image from geekshizzle.com

Me: He must not get invited to weddings ever.

Her: At the rate you’re going, he can basically plan yours.

Me: …

Her: …

Me: …

Her: I’m just going to add my name to the list after Joffrey and Cersei. Please don’t poison my drink.

Me: I’m going to die alone.

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#ThrowbackThursday

Last night, I was reading an old journal which had somehow found it’s way out into the open. It was from 2010, around the time that Poof and Captain were getting married.

Poof in all her bridal glory

Poof in all her bridal glory

GoldDust was the Maid of Honor, and thus had to give a speech, as Maid of Honors tend to do. She was pacing around the reception hall with her note cards, practicing, and I walked up to her to see how she was doing.

L.A.: Are you okay?

GoldDust: I just need to practice.

L.A.: Do you want to say it to me? See how it feels saying it out loud?

GoldDust: No, I’ll be fine. I just need to get it over with. UGH. I hate this. It’s a wedding. It’s fun. Speeches are not fun. When I get married, no speeches!

Needless to say, she was a little worried. Of course, the moment came around, and GoldDust performed in good fashion. I don’t think she thought speeches were not fun after she successfully got through it. However, rereading this conversation, I’ve concocted the perfect speech for her wedding.

Ladies and Gentleman, a few years ago, when the third member of our trifecta was married, GoldDust turned to me, and she said, “It’s a wedding. It’s fun. Speeches are not fun. When I get married, no speeches!”

Pause for effect.

To the Bride and Groom!

I am available to give such sentimental speeches at your next event.

Mawwiage: what bwings us togetha today.

A few years ago, on another blog, Poof and I wrote about how our friends MC Hammer and Judy Jetson would one day find a way to be together and be in love. Apparently, we’re ESP(N), because on Saturday, they did it.

Mr. and Mrs. theArena!

Mr. and Mrs. theArena!

As with all other weddings I’ve ever been to, or been in, or stalked on facebook later, I’ve come out on the other side of things with a few things:

1. The Hangover.

…which is really okay, because it meant in the great battle of Go Big or Go Home, we did good.

You can't even hardly tell because we're classy.

You can’t even hardly tell how ridiculous we were because we’re classy.

2. Another gem to add to my 27 Dresses collection. 

Poof and I in our Wedding Best.

Poof and I in our Wedding Best.

The short bridesmaid dress was the best thing ever invented for weddings. Similar to when I head out for a random night out on the town, I’m all gonna dance all night.

This is a hell of a lot easier when you can wiggle around a little bit.

SoccerGirl and I strike my favorite pose: the Koala. This was made possible by the knee length b-maid dress.

SoccerGirl and I strike my favorite pose: the Koala.
This was made possible by the knee length b-maid dress.

3. Preparation is the key to success.

Poof and I headed out to Target on a mission a few days before the wedding. We’d learned from prior experiences that you should always be prepared, like the boy scouts say, lest you end up in a situation like this one:

November 2k10 — Poof and Captain’s Wedding

We’d forgotten about making mimosas for the morning of, as we got hair and make up and such done. Therefore, I ended up in a sketchy area of town, in a sketchy party store, dressed up in UGG boots and a guava bridesmaid dress with a flower in my hair.

Man at the counter: …are you in the right place?

Me: Do you have champagne and orange juice?

Man at the counter: …yes.

Me: then this is the right place.

Therefore. Outdoor photos in November in a strapless dress?

Be prepared

Five inch heels and dancing all night?

Be Prepared 2

4. Knowledge is Power.

After theAsian’s wedding a few summers ago, I learned that you should always bring flats to dance in, because you do not want to be the barefoot girl that goes home with black bottomed feet. Either you’re drunk in your sink, washing your feet off at 2 am, or you’re waking up the next morning hating yourself because you have to change your sheets with a hangover. You don’t like fitted sheets? Try them with the hangover on. This marriage was no exception to the new knowledge rule.

Bartender: Didn’t you just get a drink?

Me: I finished it.

Bartender: That fast?

Me: Some spilled.

Bartender: How much of it?

Me: It was an exciting song. I need a lid for my next drink.

Bartender: I can get you a sippy cup.

Me: …

Bartender: …

Me: …

Bartender: I’m totally kidding.

Me: …but could you really?

Bartender: Why not?

I switched to beer after that, because I didn’t want to be the girl on the dance floor with the kiddie cup.

BUT.

You know what was in my wedding present from SoccerGirl?

This was drink 3 of the day. Weddings mean day drinking and love.

This was drink 3 of the day, in my big girl sippy cup. Weddings mean day drinking and love.

Lesson taken from this wedding. Grown up sippy cups mean fun for everyone.

5. What you don’t remember, the camera will.

83 photos from Poof. 91 from me. 15 from my actual camera which I forgot to use after I recruited my groomsman to carry it for me at the reception.

Love, Marriage, Glowsticks.

Love, Marriage, Glowsticks.

Photographic Memory, basically.

MAWWIAGE, guys. MAWWIAGE IS WHAT BWINGS US TOGETHA TODAY. Technically, it brought us together Saturday, but y’know.

All the best, friends.

Bette Midler titles all my wedding posts.

I was going to start by apologizing for like…being absent and things but then I remembered that all of my body parts everywhere are melting off of me because of this damn heat. Which must mean that it’s summer.

Yay, summer! And since it’s summer, that must mean that it’s wedding season.

Yay, wedding season!

My mailbox during this time of year.

My mailbox during this time of year.

Don’t get me wrong. I love all of you people and your marriage and your showers and your photos of you in a cornfield with a suitcase you just happened to find out there.

But damn it all, if you could just spread out the love a little bit. Everyone wants to do all their things at the same time and did you know that this is summer stressful for the poor sad single people out there?

Regardless of the fact that I am not in a relationship right now, weddings always stress me out. Or maybe it’s the wedding season that stresses me out. It’s like how in winter time, you’re all stressed wishing for summer, and in summer time, you’re all melt-y, waiting for the cool down. Now that it’s the season of weddings, I’m ready to go into hibernation and not shave my legs for a few months.

Reasons why I am grumpy about weddings in no particular order:

1. It’s all at once. It’s a season. 

My calendar basically looks like someone spat up on it. This is happening here. This is happening there. This is happening at the same time as the other one and it’s like TWO OF YOUR FRIENDS ARE HANGING OVER A VOLCANO AND YOU MUST PICK WHICH ONE YOU LOVE MORE. It’s like that time when Canada farted and snow went all over Michigan in the Snowmageddon of 2k12 expect instead of Canada, it’s your friends, and instead of Michigan, it’s your life, and instead of snow, it’s mountains and mountains of save the dates and magnets and calendar stickers and other shenanigans.

Wedding Season

(Although there was this really really cool save the date magnet I got that had the funky smartphone thing to take a picture of and when you took a picture it would AUTOMATICALLY add the date and time and location to your smartphone calendar. Except then I couldn’t figure out what to do with the thing that you’re supposed to take a picture of, and I didn’t feel like adding another app to my slow ass 4s iPhone so I just added it to my calendar the normal way and glare at the magnet whenever I pass the fridge)

2. You must get dressed and you must get dressed well and you must be able to stay this way for a long long time.

I am generally a low maintenance female, as far as I can tell. I woke up this morning and 8:25, brushed my hair and teeth, put on scrubs for work, then walked out the door at 8:35. That’s ten minutes of cleaning myself up — which I won’t lie, I’d rather be sleeping for.

But then, there are the “special events” of life. Don’t get me wrong, when I actually am all ready to go and I look nice and the make up looks good even though I probably stabbed myself in the eye with the eyeliner a few times and everything…then I’m fine.

But it’s the getting there. 

You have to have a nice dress, which is acceptable for where the wedding is, and when the wedding is. You have to have shoes that match the dress, but also are acceptable for where the wedding is and when the wedding is. This dress works for the wedding, but it matches those heels best, and the wedding is outside and you don’t wanna be the girl that is irrigating the lawn in her heels, so you have to find flats, but maybe that dress looks terrible in flats.

I over analyze.

This was at my old roommate 202's wedding. I wore stiletto heels. It was outdoors. In grass. And on the beach. The heels lasted approximately 5 minutes walking to the wedding, before I ditched them and went barefoot all night.

This was at my old roommate 202’s wedding. I wore stiletto heels. It was outdoors. In grass. And on the beach. The heels lasted approximately 5 minutes walking to the wedding, before I ditched them and went barefoot all night.

I’m so lucky I wear scrubs on a normal basis because otherwise I’d just probably be naked. All the time. Maybe with a hat on. I like hats.

3. To bring a date, or not to bring a date, and what exactly does a wedding date count as anyway.

FunSized recently went to a wedding as “the date,” with one of her friends, which ended in a handy little table setting labeled as such:

FunSized

Mr. FunSized.

Shenanigans. There’s always the awkward of if you’re getting a plus one, and if you do, who do you bring. Will you have a  group of friends at the wedding to keep you company, or do you need a date because you aren’t sure who else you’ll know? If you bring a date, is it a date or is it just a you need someone to hold your pocketbook while you take photos all over the place? Then you need to find someone who’s reasonably capable of being social in a large party situation in case you get taken away, or if you happen to be in the wedding party and nobody wants the date like my prom date of Ought-Four.

For shits and giggles, here I am [again] in 2004.

For shits and giggles, here I am in 2004. This was not my date. This was my boyfriend. Long story.

Upon our arrival to the dance…

Prom Date: So, I don’t think I told you. I get panic attacks when I’m around large groups of people.

Me: …You mean like at a dance?!

But don’t worry, folks.

Come the big day[s], I will be nicely dressed, with an appropriate date [if applicable], arriving at the proper location because the save the dates are all saved in my phone already. I’ll probably cry, because my friend[s] are getting married and in love, and taking this amazing step to the next stage of their lives and —

I can’t even talk about it anymore, cuz I’m already getting a little choked up.

Oh, and let’s be honest. I can’t even wait for the receptions.

L.A. is going to the chapel but she is only a bridesmaid

Last Sunday, I woke up with immense pains in my side. Not from bodily malfunctions, or intense sex, or anything like that. The boning in my bridesmaid dress caused me great pain after FunSized and I tore up the dancefloor.

CoSi and I originated this pose from the FRIENDS opening sequence — I have pictures dating back to Junior Year Homecoming where we’re doing this!

That’s right.

After 1 forced homecoming date, approximately 7 years of dating, and 15 minutes at the front of a church for vows, Bobo and Engaged are officially Mr. and Mrs. Bobo. Also, from this point on, Engaged will be known as…CoSi (There’s a reason.)

I cried. I cried a lot. FunSized sat next to me and she cried too. Bobo’s older sister sat on the other side of me and she cried too. Old women were passing us Kleenex. Our mascara and eyeliner suffered greatly.

I realized that there’s something absolutely AMAZING about being able to stay friends with people for so long…Engaged and I are going on 18 years, FunSized and I are going on 7 years, Bobo and I are going on 10…I even wrote a speech for the couple about all these years we have together, which made me cry every time I read it.

ANYWAY.

The wedding was fabulous. I love when my friends get married. After the crying, we took a party bus around for pictures, then settled down at the reception. FunSized got “Night at the Roxbury‘d” by Arrington and Neo (a high school friend), while I lasso’d in HSM. Then, we danced. And by danced, I mean we requested every single line dance known to man and performed them. Because FunSized and I learned them ahead of time.

An enjoyable moment of the evening:

L.A.’s Dad: So who did you walk down the aisle with?

L.A.: HSM.

L.A.’s Dad: Didn’t you date him in high school?

L.A.: No.

L.A.’s Dad: But wasn’t he over at our house a lot?

L.A.: I guess, once or twice, maybe?

L.A.’s Mom: FunSized walked with Arrington?

L.A.: Yes.

L.A.’s Dad: Didn’t you date him in high school?

L.A.: Not really.

L.A.’s Dad: But wasn’t he over at our house a lot?

L.A.: (Sighing) Yes.

L.A.’s Mom: Oh, there’s Bobo, he looks so happy. L.A. dated him in high school too.

L.A.: NO, I did NOT.

L.A.’s Dad: But wasn’t he over at our house a lot?

L.A.: Because he was DATING Engaged!

L.A.’s Dad: When did you have time to date Ex?

L.A.: Sigh.

CoSi and BoBo’s first dance

On that enigmatic note, I present to you, Mr. and Mrs. Bobo.

All the best to my besties 🙂