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I have a large vocabulary, but not much dignity.

Lately, I’ve been obsessed over this new app that @MooseMichaels convinced me to try out. It’s another one of those “words” and “letters” and “logic” combined games, which means, I’m pretty good at it, and Moose won’t challenge me anymore. It also reminded me off the other day when the “Words with Friends” commercial came on and Scrabble egged their office. Oh, and also, of back in the day when WWF was still installed on my iPhone.

Let me take you back to those days (six months ago):

I’m pretty good at Words with Friends. I was a nerd as a small child. I read. A lot. If I had a smart phone as a child, I would just be playing “words.” Note that the “with friends” is missing.

That’s me, kicking theArena’s butt, 4 words in.

Feel free to challenge me. You can be my friend.

At one point, while playing VS, I got a seven letter word which basically allowed me to vanquish her.

TWIBILL.

Thirty seconds after I played my word, she calls me.

“Twibill is not a fucking word! What the fuck is a twibill?”

“It’s totally a word.”

“Yeah, right.”

“It’s an axe.”

“Why the fuck do you know what a twibill is?”

Silence.

“You made this shit up.”

Silence.

“It is NOT an axe.”

“Actually, a double bladed axe.”

“Why do you know what a twibill is?”

“…I used one as a weapon when I played World of Warcraft.”

VS is silent this time.

“You may have won this game. But you have lost your dignity.”

And the challenge is on as Nathan Triple Name becomes the first to take on L.A. and her nerdiness.

Game 1: L.A. – 422, Triple Name – 261

Game 2: L.A. – 466, Triple Name – 386

GAME ON, BITCHES.

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L.A. AND THEASIAN HAVE A CUNT-VERSATION

Happy Wednesday Post Day! I stole the idea from Jenna Marbles in all her fabulous to post once a week. That way, things are sort of regular, and I don’t have to make an ass out of myself trying to be funny on random. I just have to be funny once a week. It’s a work in progress. And it means that at least you haven’t seen me when I’m drinking and thinking I’m a comedian. I pause occasionally for people to laugh. If they don’t laugh, I’m sure I play a laugh track in my head. It’s not pretty.

Anyway. I had a post that I wrote last week, on the appropriately dubbed “Hangover Saturday.” It has pictures and tweets and funny moments and alcohol, which really helps the moments if they are not, in fact, funny. But current events have lead me to not wanting to post that post, despite the funny. It’s one of those ironic moments. I hate it. So, instead, I bring you… tales of many Asians hanging out together and being funny!

*This post was originally posted in May of 2011. I attempted to write it on an HTC evo, but I don’t know if you knew. Smartphones have really tiny keyboards.

There is a game I learned in the sixth grade. It uses scrabble tiles, but nixes the board, and allows billions to play.

TheAsian and I have taken it upon ourselves to make this our game.

Speed Scrabble consists of starting with every player starting with three tiles. You make these three tiles into a word (or words, all being connected, of course, in your own mini-scrabble board) and when all your tiles are used, you get to [loudly and obnoxiously] yell “Go.” This makes everyone pick an additional tile. You keep going until all the tiles are used. Whoever uses all their tiles when all the tiles are picked gets to once again yell [loudly and obnoxiously], “Stop.” Game Over. Tally up your letters.

So, theAsian and I are playing Speed Scrabble. It’s a fabulous game. Jehovah is trying to play too, but when you first learn this game, you don’t realize that speed is over length and spelling “dodecahedron” just makes you a losing chatch with lots of unused tiles.

ANYWAY. TheAsian is stuck. There is an angry “C” tile that he can’t use.

“Spell Cunt,” BabyDaddy tells him. He’s so excited that this is possible. “You can totally spell cunt.”

We debate for a moment if “cunt” can be used in scrabble. Is it, in fact a word?

“I’m dictionary.com-ing this.” BabyDaddy is dead set on being right on the usage of “cunt.”

“You’re googling ‘cunt?'” I ask.

“NO. I’m dictionary.com-ing ‘cunt’.” He’s so proud.

Next thing you know, BabyDaddy is waxing philosophic about cunthooks and boats. And angry women, and clitori. And sex. Sex too. Cunt has a lots of definitions.

Jehovah is really upset. He’s losing at speed scrabble and theAsian and I are now laughing too much to even be trying. Neither of us even spelled cunt.

I call him a cunthook, however. So we did learn from this experience.

“I didn’t learn enough.” Jehovah declares.

FAST FORWARD.

Jehovah has left. BabyDaddy is eating cold White Castle. TheAsian and I are still laughing.

“So wait. You can have cunt with a cunt?” I ask.

Long pause.

“No. Wait. You can use it THREE times in a sentence,” I say.

“You can have cunt with a cunt’s cunt!” TheAsian exclaims. “I was thinking it the whole time but didn’t know if I should say it outloud!”

“I need to blog this,” I tell him. “You can help me.” I get my phone and we sit down. I try to type but we’re still laughing.

And it’s such a tiny keyboard.

Mr. Pig just got so much cooler.

I don’t know what helped shape your childhood, but I had one big staple that pretty much kicked royal ass. Still does. I call this: DISNEY ANIMATED MOVIES.

Why did I love these movies? Well.

  1. They sing.
  2. There is REALLY a princess for everyone.
  3. The fucked up ‘D’ that looks like a backwards ‘G.’ and made me think I couldn’t understand cursive for a good chunk of life.

So, theAsian came over while I was hanging out at BabyDaddy’s house. This spells Speed Scrabble. It spells strange conversations. I mean, do you remember what happened the last time theAsian and I hung out? YEAH. Tiny Keyboards, you fuckers.

Tiny keyboards.

Well, we get on the topic of Disney deliciousness and theAsian mentions that he was watching YouTube videos of the Lion King the other day. In Japanese.

Of course you were, my Asian friend.

So, he pulls up the video to show us that even though the lyrics to Hakuna Matata were all dubbed over, when Pumbaa is scatting at the end of the song, the American voices are used. Like the Asians got lazy by the end of it or something like that.

But as interesting as that fact was (and theAsian was indeed correct), things were about to get even better. For on the sidebar of my YouTube screen were suggestions similar to what I had just watched. Are you ready for this?

Now, I know your mind is blown right now. I mean, TIMON IS JUST SO DAMN UNIVERSAL. But this is about to get even better.

I’m crying from laughing so hard. I’ve yelled “THEY CALL ME MR. PIG,” in every language they tell me. You can totally learn from YouTube. It’s like Rosetta Stone by Walt Disney. And before you think that we wasted our WHOLE evening being YouTube freaks…

EXACTLY. You’re Welcome.