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AND THIS IS WHY you didn’t get the gold medal.

When I was little, I was one of those girls that watched the ’96 Olympics and was all…

My sister, a neighborhood friend, and I even went so far as to construct our own “gym” in our basement, so we could be the gymnasts. Granted, by this point, I was already 9 years old, and probably way past my gymnastic training prime, but that didn’t stop us from faking it. We used an old couch as  the balance beam, the big square of carpet as the floor routine, and jumped off a coffee table for the vault. We even recorded a commentary.

Thus, when this XXX Olympics rolled around and the US women’s gymnastic team was favored to win gold, the little kid inside of me was so effing excited.

I watched the #FabFive win gold in the team.

I watched Gabby Douglas win the all around. And then the individual events happened…

The US team was known for it’s impressive skills on the vault. I kind of wondered if this was because of the whole Strug landing on one foot and winning the gold but ending her career thing. But either way. The US women were known for their vault skills, and none more so than:

McKayla Maroney

She had a near perfect vault during the team finals, but when it came around to the individual event, where she was basically all but promised the gold…

McKayla Falls. ErMahGerd.

I know everyone knows about this already, since it aired in real time, then NBC time, then was plastered all over the interwebs after that. YES, she fell, but she still won the silver. That seems pretty good, right? Here are my top thoughts on who/what/where/why/when McKayla took silver, and why we all need to calm down about it.

1. Pressure, Pressure, Pressure.

After McKayla fell, the commentators were going on and on and on (and are still going on and on, as when I watched Aly win the floor exercise, they were still talking about this) about how they couldn’t believe she just fell, if there were ever a sure thing in this Olympics, it would be of McKayla winning the gold in vault. That’s a lot of pressure. It’s not enough pressure that you’re in the Olympics. It’s not enough that the entire world has it’s eyes on you. But to have everyone not only want you to win the gold, but to expect it of you??

2. That one moment.

Again, with these commentators. I’m just going to mute the rest of the Olympics and make my own. Maybe I’ll do it in the Kanye voice, directed at whoever is the silver medal winner. It’d be better than listening to Pierre McGuire.

During the team finals, the commentators kept saying over and over how McKayla’s time in the Olympics was this two minutes of vaulting, how she had this moment to show everyone what she could do. And then she stuck that vault and e’rybody freaked out. So, she proved she could do it, right? That was her moment, right? Why do we all need to freak because she had a moment where she couldn’t replicate it?

3.  McKayla = not pleased

After all was said and done…nobody focused on the fact that the girl won silver, nobody said how great it was that she’d won a medal. No. It was more about how she’d lost gold. There’s actually a site that someone started: McKayla is not impressed. It’s all about McKayla’s Gold Medal for Bitch face, that she is now famous for making as she stood on the podium with her medal.

Well, kudos for winning silver, you tiny gymnast, you. Even if you fell on your butt, and people are remembering you for falling and your face as opposed to your skills. The point is that you won. 

“I didn’t deserve to win gold if I landed on my butt. I’m not disappointed about the silver; I’m disappointed about my performance.”

Well said, little gymnast. Well said.

It’s almost like I can predict the future.

Congratulations Michael, on swimming really, really, really, really, really ridiculously fast.

At some point in time, a conversation happened that took more time than it took Michael Phelps to swim from one end of a really big pool to another.

Me: Hey, I got a tweet. Michael Phelps wins the silver medal in the swimmy really fast competition. Gold goes to some man from some other country who is apparently even more ridiculously fast. Maybe he has webbed feet.

Co-Worker: Oh no, I was going to watch that tonight. I suppose I won’t have to now.

Me: I’m so sorry. It’s all USAToday’s lightning fast iPhone App’s fault. That and NBC, for being a chatch-canoe and not airing things when they actually happen.

Co-Worker: Chatch-canoe?

Me: It’s an insult in progress.

At some point that night when NBC decides that it might be important to air some Olympics.

Me: Michael Phelps loses here. I saw it earlier on twitter.

My Aunt: Oh yeah, he loses?

Me: Well, he gets silver, so he still wins something, I guess. [Says the girl whose only medals are for being the best Catholic School girls soccer team in BOTH 2000 and 2001.]

My Aunt: Oh well, that’s good.

At some point when the race starts.

Me: This is so sad that he loses. He’s so freaking fast, with his fish-like body.

Me: OMG, seriously, he’s so fast.

Me: He’s in the lead!

Me: Swim faster, Michael Phelps! Swim faster!

My Aunt: You said he loses?

Me: MAYBE USATODAY WAS INCORRECT! YOU CAN DO IT! GO MICHAEL, GO!

At some point after Michael loses.

Me: Well. I thought he had it for a minute there.

My Aunt: But he got silver?

Me: I know. I knew that’s how it ended.

I’ve won the Olympic gold for tweeting.

Well, it’s that Olympic time again. Here we are, uniting under the cover of WHO HAS THE MOST FLIPPER LIKE FEET IN ORDER TO PROPEL THEMSELVES THE FASTEST ACROSS A POOL. It’s awesome, really. And because I love the Olympics so much, here is a reason of WHY I LOVE THE 2k12 Olympics!

L.A. Presents the Medals of Awesome for the 2k12 Olympics!

1. BRONZE MEDAL OF AWESOME GOES TO : Phelps v Lochte

They are both American athletes. They both have won medals. They’ve won medals together for that matter. But for awhile there, Twitter was abuzz with the great debate. Which swimmer do you love more?! There was that moment where Phelps failed to even place in an event where Lochte won gold… and my newsfeed exploded with a whole new competition.

Who do you love more, America? Can’t we just cheer for all our athletes and be proud that they’ve won for the USA? FUCK NO. But we can provide an analysis of who we are tweeting about more. Seriously. Someone did that. It’s awesome. Check it out. And let’s be honest. Someone out there is probably taking a poll of who we think looks better with their shirt off. Priorities, people.

2. SILVER MEDAL OF AWESOME GOES TO: “Player Sandwich”

I turned on the TV the other day in hopes of watching the US Women’s Gymnastics. It wasn’t on yet. Of course, such a popular event wouldn’t be on at a normal time of the day, it would be on in the middle of the fucking night.

You know what was on? Handball. 

Now, when I picture handball, I see this:

 

Apparently, handball is actually a combination of soccer, hockey, spider monkeys, polo, basketball, power rangers, and a pinch of oregano. I finally wikipedia’d it after watching a few minutes because it was so bizarre. The goalie got hit in the face with a ball. That was chucked at her. Intensely fast. From like ten feet away. I might be exaggerating. But this goalie still got hit in the face and then was just like…I’m fine, let’s do this. 

I’d at least sit down for a sec if this chick hurled a ball at my face.

And on that note…let’s compare. I love hockey. We all know this. But when Jimmy Howard suits up, he suits up.When these handball people suit up, they’re all…Last but not least, in handball, they just push each other. It’s a technique. Trying to score? Fuck you, I’m just gonna push you. By standing between you and the goal, I’m preventing you from scoring in something called a “player sandwich.” I love that more than I should.

1. GOLD MEDAL OF AWESOME GOES TO: Annnnnnd e’rybody hates NBC.

I feel like I don’t even need to talk about this. Are you a US person trying to watch the Olympics and instead watching commercials about McDonald’s ironically sponsoring the games? Are you incredibly excited about watching the #FabFive try to win the gold when you find out that they’ve already won it but you won’t get to watch until later tonight? Delayed programming. Terrible timing. Ryan Seacrest. Pierre McDoucheTickle.

Congratulations. You’ve even been awarded a hashtag. #NBCFail

E’rebody hates NBC.

This concludes our broadcast of the XXX Summer Olympics, which actually involves nothing that is actually XXX rated. We now return you to our regularly scheduled programming.