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L-O-V-E, I love you. And also chocolates, flowers, jewelry, and other Valentine’s Paraphernalia.

I learned how  to spell Paraphernalia today. Actually, I spelled it incorrectly twice,  before I finally caved and let spell check* work it’s magic. But that’s not the point of today’s post.

The point is that it’s Valentine’s day.

Or it might be Singles Awareness Day, depending on your relationship status in life or on facebook. Either way, today is a holiday, and we should be celebrating, right?

Pt: It’s so festive in here! Did you decorate for Valentine’s Day?

Me: No, actually it’s our anniversary month! It just worked out that Valentine’s is the same month.

Anniversary Decor

Pt: I bet you’re rebelling against today. You’re in all black.

Me: I just wear a lot of black!

Pt: You hate Valentine’s!

Don't wear black on any day where it might construe that you hate something about that day.

Don’t wear black on any day where it might construe that you hate something about that day.

Me: I do not! I decorated!

Pt: But you said it was for your anniversary!

Me: It’s in honor of both!

Pt: So, you are celebrating Valentine’s day! Who’s your special someone?

Me: I don’t know! I’m not really celebrating Valentine’s, so I’m not going to go around throwing rose petals in the air!

Pt: …I don’t think anyone should do that.

Me: But I’m not so disgruntled about life that I’m going to put on black as a statement to all the happy coupl-y people! I’m not going around yelling that today is Singles Awareness Day!

Pt: …no one should do that either.

Me: I don’t know how I feel about today! I don’t even know what today is!

Pt: …it’s okay. It’s just Thursday.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentine’s Day, ya’ll. 

*Spell check, by the way, is two words. At least it is according to spell check. I wonder if “autocorrect**” is one word.

**Spell check says auto correct is two words.

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Black Friday, you scare me.

I absolutely love a great deal like the next person, but I think it’s psychotic to look for deals on Black Friday. So I opted not to take part in this year’s chaos.
Instead, I chose to sleep off my ‘night before Thanksgiving partying’ hangover and Thanksgiving’s food coma, while moms in mini-vans battled each other for the great sales.

I enjoyed my Black Friday by laying around the house and stuffing my face with leftovers. The day was very uneventful.
Around 6pm, I assumed it was safe to venture to the store. All the mini van moms would have returned to their homes to count their inventory of Christmas presents.

I intended to purchase a few holiday cards. I need to get rid of huge amount of stamps I own since the price of stamps will increase in January.
I made my way to card aisle. Picked my cards, and went to an open check-out line. Everything was normal and safe until this point. No random attack of a mini-van mom still possessed by a Black Friday demon.

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The cashier seemed normal… She greeted me and scanned my purchases. When she got to my holiday cards everything changed.

She opened each one and read the greetings before scanning the cards.

I found this very strange.

First, she was a slow reader so the patron waiting behind me was annoyed.

Second, they’re my greeting cards. It’s my business what is inside them.

Am I the only one who thinks I was violated???

She didn’t say if she liked the cards or not. I feel like I was being judged for my choices.

This is why I don’t shop on Black Friday.

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Only YOU, America, can celebrate by blowing things up.

I absolutely LOVE July 4th. I love fireworks. I love spending time at the park with a bunch of friends. I love the weather. There is no downside to this holiday.

Oh, except this one time when I was six years old and I ended up putting a sparkler to my face. Was it lit? Possibly. You know what that means? I put a fire stick on my face. Do you know why they call them fireworks? Because they are fiery, and they burn.

My July 4 Battlewound. I know, I’m super cool.

Despite this scar of July 4th’s past, I love the holiday. And yes, I still love sparklers. So much, in fact, that GoldDust and I headed out in search of them for the holiday BBQ. Nothing says 4th of July like firing up the grill, sitting around the bonfire, and MOTHER EFFING SPARKLERS. I can’t believe still that we were having a BBQ and NO ONE THOUGHT OF THE SPARKLERS.

 

(Created with Gifboom)

I mean, who, as a small child, did not play with sparklers for the holiday? Who didn’t attempt to write their name in cursive in the sky thinking it might stay there, or after Harry Potter hit the bookshelves, magic the shit out of everybody??!! I was one of those kids who ran around with the sparkler shouting Avada Kedavra at strangers. Like I said. I was super cool.

I rule you, America!! Angry Magical Sparkler Chick card available now in our Zazzle store! http://www.zazzle.com/chicksinthemitt

Stop one was CVS. We debated picking up some Red Bull to make it through the night, but after scouring the store and not finding sparklers, or fireworks in general, we left in an irate fashion. Middle fingers up, debating WHY THE HELL DOESN”T CVS HAVE FIREWORKS and WHERE IS YOUR PATRIOTISM and ENTHUSIASM FOR BLOWING SHIT UP?! We left the Red Bull behind too. Any store that doesn’t support fireworks doesn’t get our business.

Stop two was at Kroeger. If you follow either myself or GoldDust on Twitter or Instagram, you may have noticed the tweet/instagram — We up in here at Kroeger. I’m pretty sure this is one of those Michigan stores, so equate it to your local grocer and begin saying that phrase in earnest. We up in here at your favorite local grocer. However, you know what wasn’t up in here at Kroeger? Sparklers. They at least had fireworks, and we bought some imitation fireworks called Morning Glorys. But still. No sparklers up in here at Kroeger.

Stop three was at our local dollar store. We found poppers there, which are always fun. But still…no sparklers. While checking out, I finally asked someone about the lack of sparklers.

“We haven’t been able to find sparklers anywhere. Do you have them?” I asked.

“Well,” said the man behind the counter. “Ever since that news piece ran about sparklers burning at over 800 degrees, all the stores have been pulling them off their shelves. You can try one of the [super shady] tents on every corner. They’ll probably have [the apparently now illegal and dangerous] sparklers.”

“Dangerous?!” I exclaim. “They’re sparklers! It’s fourth of July! I got burned in the face by a sparkler but I still want them. Shouldn’t it be up to us if we use them or not?!”

The guy shrugs.

GoldDust and I head out into the heat with our poppers, ice cream, and still no sparklers*.

“You know,” she tells me. “That’s probably not the best story to use while trying to get someone to sell you sparklers.”

Well said, my little GoldDust.

See How They Shine!

Hope ya’ll had a safe, face burning free, 4th of July. BY THE WAY. I think San Diego won for best fireworks ever.

*Obviously, sparklers were found. After driving for a half hour and coming up with lame imitation sparklers, an ice cream bar, a diet coke, a kit kat, and a bunch of poppers, the boys found sparklers at the booze store down the street.