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Happy Spring, Ya’ll. It’s snowing.

It’s my son’s spring break this week.

Wait.

Let me say it correctly:

Spring Break. Y’aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall.

In honor of this sort of holiday, some people that Mickey Mouse used to love got together and made a movie. In honor of bad decisions and curiosity, GoldDust and I headed out last week to see this giant collapse of morals and the Disney castle.

Thus, I present to you:

A summation of Spring Breakers

L.A.: Did you ever go on Spring Break?

GoldDust: No, I worked.

L.A.: Me too.

GoldDust: This is so many boobs.

L.A.: I think I did college wrong.

GoldDust: I thought this was supposed to be funny?

L.A.: …

James Franco: LOOK AT ALL MY SHIT. SOMETHING ABOUT CALVIN KLEIN

[Cue only us laughing]

GoldDust: Does this make you uncomfortable?

[Extreme close up of James Franco’s face]

L.A.: Yes.

GoldDust: Do you want to leave?

L.A.: Yes.

In the bar after:

L.A.: Here’s what’s wrong. Spring Breakers was supposed to be a comedy-drama-thriller movie. They must have just gotten confused with so many genres.

GoldDust: Selena Gomez should be buying my drink.

In conclusion, I hope I’ve saved your spring break. Did you see Spring Breakers? Better Question, did you do college right?

L.A.: I don’t actually mind how my spring breaks went if this is how it’s supposed to go.

Random: Well, this was supposed to be like worst case scenario.

GoldDust: We actually did college right.

The greatest love stories of all time, and none of them are mine.

Lately, I’ve been talking with folks a lot about my parents. There are a lot of blogs with some great conversations with them, or by them, or involving them. My sister and I agree: they are the greatest odd couple there ever was, according to us.

Prime example of the parental love.

Prime example of the parental love.

Strangely enough, from this, a lot of you have been asking exactly how my parents met, and married, and created these wonderfully adorable half Asian babies. This really just leads me to thinking that all you people are working for Hallmark, and looking for the next Hallmark original movie. Which definitely could be my parents. You’re definitely not looking to steal my story. I mean, I have, what? Crying in bathtubs?

Yeah. I did that once.

I even illustrated it. With Crayons. Don't leave me with crayons.

I even illustrated it. With Crayons. Don’t leave me alone with crayons.

Anyway. That leads me to this week’s post. Everyone has some sort of great love story that they know and love. We’ve all seen The Notebook. If you are female and don’t say that you want to be Rachel McAdams circa Ryan Gosling slamming her against the wall all rain-soaked and horny then you are a lying chatch-canoe who doesn’t deserve a love story. Therefore I bring you, my top five most loved love stories ever. Because I’m single. And I can.

5. Carl and Ellie: if you don’t know who I’m talking about, you’re obviously not a Disney fan. They are all sorts of internet meme-things going around saying that Pixar made a better love story in five minutes than Stephanie Meyers did in four books. And they are all correct. If you didn’t cry during this opening part of Disney-Pixar’s UP, then you have no soul.

4. The Notebook: see above comment. Rain-soaked Ryan Gosling. Oh, and it’s an adorable movie with such a good love story [except for James Marsden]. #Myfavoritemoviequote was trending all over twitter last night, and despite all the assholes declaring that 21 Jump Street apparently has better quotes than Almost Famous or Dead Poet’s Society,  there was a hell of a lot of:

Not my favorite quote from the movie, but still.

Not my favorite quote from the movie, but still.

Nicholas Sparks better be happily married for the number of sappy love stories he writes for us, or I’m seriously going to egg his house.

3. Bobo and Cosi: No, you don’t know this love story. Because it’s not a love story in books, it’s one of those crazy things that actually happened in real life. My junior year in high school, I set up my best friend CoSi (back then, she was CoMc) with my friend Bobo for our fall homecoming dance. When I say “set up,” I definitely mean “forced into going so I wouldn’t feel awkward at said dance.” But  that’s not the point. The point is that they ended up dating. The point is that they ended up continuing to date all through high school, and into college, and I was privileged enough to be in their wedding two summers ago.  Bobo signed my yearbook after junior year saying thank you for setting them up. But really. I’m thankful for them for falling in love and staying in love. Maybe there’s hope for me yet.

First Dance

2. Rachel and Ross: I grew up with my favorite six friends and their coffee shop ploys. All ten seasons, I wanted Ross and Rachel to get together and stay together because I was convinced they were one of those TV couples that was just like real life. I wanted someone to dress up in a tux for me if my prom date didn’t show up. I wanted someone to sneak me into a museum for a romantic night under the planetarium. I wanted someone to be my lobster.

1. the hallmark story of how my parentals met and i was brought into existence (abridged version slash how i’ve heard it through the years): As I’ve heard it, my father had a friend who knew my mother. Mutual friend, normal introduction, right? Yes, except for the fact that my father was living in St. Louis and my mother was in Hong Kong at the time. Therefore…

You’re leaving me here, dear. Alone with all your letters.

…they became pen pals. Letter upon letter upon letter, enough to fill a few file cabinet drawers in my house, which my sister and I would later discover. And somehow through these letters, they fell in love. My father then saved up money to visit my mom where she was an au pair in Hong Kong — where they officially met for the first time. While he was in Hong Kong, he traveled with her to the Philippines, so he could meet her family, since it cost less to fly from there than it would to go from the states. And while they were there, they got married.

Fast forward, to another wedding in the US, to my sister being born, to me being born, to something like 28 years of marriage and counting.

Nicholas Sparks, back off. My parents’ real story kicks the ass of some of yours.

So, now you know. My top five most romantical stories. What are yours? AND are you super sad like I am that you’re single right now?

Bike, bike, fashion, baby.

If you follow me on twitter…

if you don’t, WHY THE FECK NOT?!

…you may have noticed me and one @Beausaphine of the awesome wasteofheels.com waxing all sorts of philosophical about those damn Newsies.

Newsies is a great Disney movie that once starred Batman, AKA Christian Bale, who is probably really pissed now that he’d didn’t decide to be in the musical version. Newsies basically dance and sing and deliver papers in one giant package of awesome. Also, they’re in knickers the entire time. It’s pretty much team awesome.

Newsies, Knickers, and a whole lotta splits.

One Halloween, I actually dressed up as a Newsie, which basically meant I was a [sexy/skanky] Newsie, since that’s how Halloween works.

CoSi: What are you supposed to be?

L.A.: I’m a Newsie!

CoSi: Aren’t you supposed to be in knickers then?

L.A.: Yeah, but I’m a girl, so I’m a [sexy/skanky] Newsie.

Now is the time to seize the day, etc.

It was kind of disappointing then, that I wasn’t rocking the knickers. I was letting down all the Newsies. I proceeded to hope that knickers would make some kind of comeback, besides on a stage in NYC.

Then, this went down.

Kid in office: Hi, I’m [Kid in office] here for an appointment.

Long silence.

L.A.: …did you bike here?

Kid in office: …how’d you know?

L.A.: my dad does the same thing when he bikes.

Way to go, Dad.

Knickers. They’re baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.

Mr. Pig just got so much cooler.

I don’t know what helped shape your childhood, but I had one big staple that pretty much kicked royal ass. Still does. I call this: DISNEY ANIMATED MOVIES.

Why did I love these movies? Well.

  1. They sing.
  2. There is REALLY a princess for everyone.
  3. The fucked up ‘D’ that looks like a backwards ‘G.’ and made me think I couldn’t understand cursive for a good chunk of life.

So, theAsian came over while I was hanging out at BabyDaddy’s house. This spells Speed Scrabble. It spells strange conversations. I mean, do you remember what happened the last time theAsian and I hung out? YEAH. Tiny Keyboards, you fuckers.

Tiny keyboards.

Well, we get on the topic of Disney deliciousness and theAsian mentions that he was watching YouTube videos of the Lion King the other day. In Japanese.

Of course you were, my Asian friend.

So, he pulls up the video to show us that even though the lyrics to Hakuna Matata were all dubbed over, when Pumbaa is scatting at the end of the song, the American voices are used. Like the Asians got lazy by the end of it or something like that.

But as interesting as that fact was (and theAsian was indeed correct), things were about to get even better. For on the sidebar of my YouTube screen were suggestions similar to what I had just watched. Are you ready for this?

Now, I know your mind is blown right now. I mean, TIMON IS JUST SO DAMN UNIVERSAL. But this is about to get even better.

I’m crying from laughing so hard. I’ve yelled “THEY CALL ME MR. PIG,” in every language they tell me. You can totally learn from YouTube. It’s like Rosetta Stone by Walt Disney. And before you think that we wasted our WHOLE evening being YouTube freaks…

EXACTLY. You’re Welcome.