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The Wedding Planner, not starring J.Lo

Me: I finally watched the purple wedding.

Her: Joffrey is such a little chatch.

Me: You’ve gotta hate someone.

Her: List of people you can hate: Cersei, the lady that birthed period blood in air form, the man that chopped off Jamie’s hand and hung it around his neck like an asshole…


Her: …everyone that came to the wedding and was mean to Tyrion because what a guy, social media spoiler-ers…


Her: …George R.R. Martin for making us all love his nonsense so much.

Image from

Me: He must not get invited to weddings ever.

Her: At the rate you’re going, he can basically plan yours.

Me: …

Her: …

Me: …

Her: I’m just going to add my name to the list after Joffrey and Cersei. Please don’t poison my drink.

Me: I’m going to die alone.


Talk quietly, I’m probably listening.

We all know how completely relationship-phobic I am. But honestly, sometimes, I see, you know,  the happy peopleand I miss it.

There are always the good parts and the bad parts to a relationship and I know this — I know that you have to put forth the work to be with someone you love, and that you have to accept the differences, and that every relationship is a partnership.


But then.

I know that some relationships are bat-shit crazy.

I’m not normally an aggressively loud person. Which means, if I’m…

…in line behind you at the post office.

…sitting at a table near you at Starbucks.

…lounging at the park and you’re walking by.

That I might happen to overhear you and your significant other. And I might happen to wonder WTF, people. Why are you together?


Man: You can’t be mad at me.

Woman: I told you not to put it there. I told you.

Man: We don’t have to discuss everything.

Woman: This we do.

Man: I’m over this.

Woman: I’m over you.

Man: But it comes out!

At this point, I’m sure they’re about to break up. Obviously, they have terrible communication skills, and he did something that she did not appreciate and to make it worse, he didn’t even try to talk to her about it, which means she was caught by surprise and then it sounds something possibly got stuck.

They’re totally breaking up.

Woman: It won’t! You fucking ruined our coffee table!

Follow me on twitterwhere I post random things like this all the time. Except on Mondays. I just complain on Mondays.

I killed a man in Reno.

I mean, I didn’t really kill a man in Reno. But I’m working on my alibi for as to why it looks like I was attacked by an angry kitten.

I went to soccer tonight with every intention of playing, dying, then coming home, posting a video, winning a bet and then going to sleep. This was not in the cards.

I’m on the field. A guy is coming at me with the ball. At the last second, he turns and goes into me with his shoulder. His shoulder, full force into my face. I fly off my feet, like I always do and land. My face hurts.

I yell things.

Poof would later tell me I went down in a puddle of fucks.

The guy keeps going but the ref blows the whistle.

“I didn’t even hit her!”

I yell more things. I’m bleeding.

I run off the field.

The front desk staff MacGyver‘s an ice pack for me and some ladies on the bench debate if I need stitches.

Nobody makes me bleed my own blood.

Nobody makes me bleed my own blood. Photo courtesy to Poof, because she wanted the blood in the picture.

So, the game ends, and I tell everyone and their mother about my lip. And that’s about when I decide this is much more important than a fitted sheet.

Reaction 1. Poof, from her perspective.

Reaction 2. Soccer v. Hockey


Hockey Friend: You’re so dramatic. Hockey players cut their lips all the time and go back and play.

Me: It wouldn’t stop bleeding!

Hockey Friend: You’re so dramatic!


Reaction 3. TwitterVerse.

Reaction 4. L.A. converses with her father.

Me: Hey Dad.

Dad: You’re home.

Me: Yup.

Dad: OH! You’ve got a brute.

Me: Yup.

Dad: …well, I’m sorry.

Me: Thanks.

Dad: Who’d you piss off?

*Update: upon waking up this morning, the cut had not healed, but instead had decided to bleed all over my bed. It was like waking up in a horror movie. So, I headed to an urgent care, and the old man doctor glued my lip together, so it wouldn’t keep re-opening. Then he warned me to “limit my mouth actions.”

*Update Two: upon the re-hashing of the tale with Poof, the following discussion happened.

Blood and words


So, you owe a thank you to Poof for the painting with the words, to match my painting my tale with my blood. HashTag. BloodBrothers.

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L-O-V-E, I love you. And also chocolates, flowers, jewelry, and other Valentine’s Paraphernalia.

I learned how  to spell Paraphernalia today. Actually, I spelled it incorrectly twice,  before I finally caved and let spell check* work it’s magic. But that’s not the point of today’s post.

The point is that it’s Valentine’s day.

Or it might be Singles Awareness Day, depending on your relationship status in life or on facebook. Either way, today is a holiday, and we should be celebrating, right?

Pt: It’s so festive in here! Did you decorate for Valentine’s Day?

Me: No, actually it’s our anniversary month! It just worked out that Valentine’s is the same month.

Anniversary Decor

Pt: I bet you’re rebelling against today. You’re in all black.

Me: I just wear a lot of black!

Pt: You hate Valentine’s!

Don't wear black on any day where it might construe that you hate something about that day.

Don’t wear black on any day where it might construe that you hate something about that day.

Me: I do not! I decorated!

Pt: But you said it was for your anniversary!

Me: It’s in honor of both!

Pt: So, you are celebrating Valentine’s day! Who’s your special someone?

Me: I don’t know! I’m not really celebrating Valentine’s, so I’m not going to go around throwing rose petals in the air!

Pt: …I don’t think anyone should do that.

Me: But I’m not so disgruntled about life that I’m going to put on black as a statement to all the happy coupl-y people! I’m not going around yelling that today is Singles Awareness Day!

Pt: …no one should do that either.

Me: I don’t know how I feel about today! I don’t even know what today is!

Pt: …it’s okay. It’s just Thursday.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentine’s Day, ya’ll. 

*Spell check, by the way, is two words. At least it is according to spell check. I wonder if “autocorrect**” is one word.

**Spell check says auto correct is two words.