You are about to learn something. Sort of. You are about to learn something to the extent of my knowledge on the subject. But. Since I went to a Catholic grade school. And high school. And college, for that matter. Sex Ed didn’t really teach as much as I now realize it should have.
We learned instead, that when you grow up, you can either be a priest, a nun, or get married. IF you so desire to get married, then, obviously after marriage, you may have sexual intercourse. Which is an experience between you and your partner in marriage and God.
You know what they didn’t teach us during this class? Condoms. STDS. Unplanned Pregnancy(which really would have helped me out, in my child bearing period of life.). Sexual Reproductive Organs.
FunSized and I were chilling out one night, and we came to this conversation. It began with FunSized’s old roommate:
“We were doing sit ups one night,” FunSized tells me. “And EVERYTIME she went up, she would queef.”
“I haaate the queef,” I tell her. “Most awkward bodily sound ever.”
“RIGHT?” FunSized agrees. “She kept saying she was just farting-”
“Since that’s so much better,” I interject.
“Yes,” FunSized continues. “But I’m pretty sure it’s because she had a loose vagina.”
“Is that the sound a loose vagina makes?” I ask. “Because everybody queefs.”
Therefore, we decided: The sound of a loose vagina.
From the loose vagina, we moved on to the next sexual organ that Catholic schools had taught us next to nothing about: the uncircumcised penis. Which I apparently know so little about, that spell check got me. I was unaware of how to spell uncircumcised.
I attempt to analogy my thoughts on the uncircumcised penis.
“I feel like it probably looks like a shot gun. You know, that weird little thing on it that you slide up and down to load?”
FunSized cracks up. “Haven’t you heard that it just looks like a hot dog?”
I agree. “I have, but I have a hard time picturing that.”
“Anyway,” FunSized continues. “I always figured it was just like an extra layer. Like a sweater or something.”
“So,” I ask. “If I just put like an old Barbie sweater on a regular penis, it’ll look like an uncircumcised one?”
By this time, FunSized and I are practically peeing our pants from laughter. Have we learned anything, really? No. Wait. I’m wrong. We did learn something.
“I feel like a loose vagina and a uncircumcised penis would be friends and have conversations.” I tell her.
“I’m sorry, what?”
“Yeah! The vagina would be like, ‘Have sex with me! It’ll be like a hotdog in a hallway!’ and the penis would be all, ‘IT’S OKAY, I have a bun!‘”
I’m sorry. I lied. We really didn’t learn anything after all.
*Update: I forgot to mention that the creation of this post, or moreso, the writer’s block prior to the creation of this post lead to the #angwypenii hashtag on the Twatter network.
An #angrypenii: 8=====D:<
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