Sh!t kids say and I’ve got some ‘splaining to do.

Guys, I hurt. I hurt real bad. It’s not one of those crazy over emotional days or anything like that. It’s more of a “I hate being a girl” day.

If you’ve never been this girl, then I hate you.
(GIF Credit: http://tremorsintoronto.wordpress.com/)

That’s right. I’m oversharing, interwebs. I’m TMI-ing the hell out of the blog. Because right now, I have cramps, and they’re terrible, and that means that Mother Nature is about to send Moses to part the red sea or I’m about to ride the crimson wave or whatever the hell analogy you like to use to describe that I’M ABOUT TO BE MOTHER BITCH FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS.

Yay.

I seriously hate this time of the month. DESPISE IT. I get all angry, then all weepy, then all drowsy, and then every emotion ever in the history of womenkind. I’m like the theater masks times six million.

So, I get all crampy, and realize that it’s about that time, and I go to check my “supplies.” As luck would have it, I’m completely bumblefucking out of my lady products.  Of course I am.

So I wrap up the Boo, and buckle him in, and it’s off to the store.  We get some string cheese, we pick out some random things from the dollar section because one cannot simply walk into Target and not buy things from the dollar section, and we get him a new toothbrush because why the hell not. Then we get to the girly aisle, and I get what I need, and I toss them into the cart.

Boo: What are those?

Me: They’re for mommy.

Boo: Can I have one?

Me: You don’t need one.

Boo: Why not?

Me: They’re for ladies.

Boo: Boys can’t have them?

Me: Boys don’t need them. They’re for Mommy’s…special time.

Boo: Like your birthday? My birthday’s in September.

Me: No, not that special. This is…mommy’s time of the month.

Boo: Oh. Can I have a birthday the next month too?

Me: No, it’s not like…present time special.

Boo: Do you get presents at your special time?

Me: Not the good kind.

Boo: They should be the good kind.

Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?

Then Boo saw some yogurt with Perry the Platypus on them and totally forgot about Mommy’s special things. Yay, short attention span. 

Perry the Platypus

Perry the Platypus (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

We get home, and Boo runs upstairs and I start telling my mother about the awkward.com

Me: Boo asked me what tampons were. I debated telling him it means no siblings right now.

Mom: Don’t tell him that.

Me: Well, how do you tell a four year old about a tampon?

Mom: It’s for a lady’s time…

Me: -I’m being Boo. What time? Bedtime?

Mom: No, a time for a lady’s body to…discharge?

Me: WHAT’S DISCHARGE?

Mom: …I…but….

Me: EXACTLY.

I go upstairs, feeling a little better because NO ONE CAN EXPLAIN A TAMPON TO A FOUR YEAR OLD BOY and Boo is in the bedroom with all his toys out. Also. With all my toys out*.

Me: Boo, did you open Mommy’s box?

Boo: They’re for boys too.

Me: How are they for boys? These are for mommy’s…body.

Boo: Uh, they’re pew-ers. DUH.

Me: …

*I would have photo’d this, but I feel like that would have made it seem okay to give Spiderman a tampon and call it a pew-er. Here is a rough drawing of exactly what was going on.
Spiderman and his Playtex Pew-er.

Spiderman and his Playtex Pew-er.

About L.A.

Mom Life/Engaged Life/Blog Life/Love Life

Posted on September 9, 2013, in DNA and other bonding things. Like Blood., Fix My Lighthouse, PSA and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 13 Comments.

  1. ahahahaha i’m just the same when i get my period and during the first couple of days. i just hate it and i hate every woman who doesn’t have cramps!

    i think you did a pretty good job with boo, except for letting him take the tampons upstairs. :-p
    and i love how you showed your mom that it’s not possible to explain it to a 4-year-old. hihi

  2. i magically had like three years of cramp-moodiness-free periods from 20-23. it was wonderful. but now it seems like my body is trying to make up for missed time and make them even worse.
    also, i love kids. they are hilarious.

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