Only YOU, America, can celebrate by blowing things up.
I absolutely LOVE July 4th. I love fireworks. I love spending time at the park with a bunch of friends. I love the weather. There is no downside to this holiday.
Oh, except this one time when I was six years old and I ended up putting a sparkler to my face. Was it lit? Possibly. You know what that means? I put a fire stick on my face. Do you know why they call them fireworks? Because they are fiery, and they burn.
Despite this scar of July 4th’s past, I love the holiday. And yes, I still love sparklers. So much, in fact, that GoldDust and I headed out in search of them for the holiday BBQ. Nothing says 4th of July like firing up the grill, sitting around the bonfire, and MOTHER EFFING SPARKLERS. I can’t believe still that we were having a BBQ and NO ONE THOUGHT OF THE SPARKLERS.
(Created with Gifboom)
I mean, who, as a small child, did not play with sparklers for the holiday? Who didn’t attempt to write their name in cursive in the sky thinking it might stay there, or after Harry Potter hit the bookshelves, magic the shit out of everybody??!! I was one of those kids who ran around with the sparkler shouting Avada Kedavra at strangers. Like I said. I was super cool.
Stop one was CVS. We debated picking up some Red Bull to make it through the night, but after scouring the store and not finding sparklers, or fireworks in general, we left in an irate fashion. Middle fingers up, debating WHY THE HELL DOESN”T CVS HAVE FIREWORKS and WHERE IS YOUR PATRIOTISM and ENTHUSIASM FOR BLOWING SHIT UP?! We left the Red Bull behind too. Any store that doesn’t support fireworks doesn’t get our business.
Stop two was at Kroeger. If you follow either myself or GoldDust on Twitter or Instagram, you may have noticed the tweet/instagram — We up in here at Kroeger. I’m pretty sure this is one of those Michigan stores, so equate it to your local grocer and begin saying that phrase in earnest. We up in here at your favorite local grocer. However, you know what wasn’t up in here at Kroeger? Sparklers. They at least had fireworks, and we bought some imitation fireworks called Morning Glorys. But still. No sparklers up in here at Kroeger.
Stop three was at our local dollar store. We found poppers there, which are always fun. But still…no sparklers. While checking out, I finally asked someone about the lack of sparklers.
“We haven’t been able to find sparklers anywhere. Do you have them?” I asked.
“Well,” said the man behind the counter. “Ever since that news piece ran about sparklers burning at over 800 degrees, all the stores have been pulling them off their shelves. You can try one of the [super shady] tents on every corner. They’ll probably have [the apparently now illegal and dangerous] sparklers.”
“Dangerous?!” I exclaim. “They’re sparklers! It’s fourth of July! I got burned in the face by a sparkler but I still want them. Shouldn’t it be up to us if we use them or not?!”
The guy shrugs.
GoldDust and I head out into the heat with our poppers, ice cream, and still no sparklers*.
“You know,” she tells me. “That’s probably not the best story to use while trying to get someone to sell you sparklers.”
Well said, my little GoldDust.
Hope ya’ll had a safe, face burning free, 4th of July. BY THE WAY. I think San Diego won for best fireworks ever.
*Obviously, sparklers were found. After driving for a half hour and coming up with lame imitation sparklers, an ice cream bar, a diet coke, a kit kat, and a bunch of poppers, the boys found sparklers at the booze store down the street.