Billy told me that honesty is such a lonely word

There was a news report that I saw once, where the crew left iPods around the city, clearly marked with the owner’s information, and able to be returned.

This, of course, gets everyone wondering. What would you do if you found something like that, something expensive that you could return, but would also like to own? I answered the way anyone would: that I’d like to think I would. But under the circumstances, I know that I would at the very least consider keeping the item.

Last week, I took a trek to Target, you know, that store that you never really need to go to, but you do anyway, and end up throwing money down the black hole of Target and coming out with all sorts of random shit. Yeah, that Target.

I was standing in front of the nail polishes, debating if I needed to buy a new color because they were so pretty and they were there, and I was there. It’s that shopping addiction, it’ll get you everytime. I finally managed to drag myself away from the nail polishes and go buy some milk, because that’s all I really needed. I cashed out, walked out the door with my milk when I squinted in the sun and realized it. I’d left my sunglasses somewhere in the store.

I’m retracing my steps in the store, and just getting to the nail polish when I heard this*:

“Are those for sale?”

“OMFGZ, those are not from here. Those are Coach.”

“Nuh-uh, they are not!”

Silence in which I’m sure the girls are inspecting the glasses to see if they’re legit.

“Take them.”

“No, you take them.”



At this point, I found it necessary to interject. “Um, excuse me? You have my sunglasses…?” Something about the way I said it gave the girls question. All of a sudden it was like talking to things 1 and 2.

“These are your glasses?” One asks.

I nod. “I must’ve set them down when I was looking over here.”

They exchange a look. “Why would you set them down?”

I’m flabberglasted. Seriously? Just give me back my sunglasses, crazy. “I didn’t realize I had until I got outside.”

We stare at each other. The girls are still glancing back and forth and the one is clutching my precious sunnies in her grubby little teenage hands.

“Can I have my glasses?” I finally ask.

There’s another silence. One of them makes a noise in her throat, like they’re trying to communicate through grunts so I won’t notice. It’s at this point that I wished I had a more bitchy personality, and would just snatch the glasses and run. It’s not like that’s breaking any laws, after all. Since they were my sunglasses.

Finally, one of them speaks again. “How do we know that they’re yours?” she asks. “…I mean, finders keepers.”

At this point, I genuinely do not know what to do. I could offer to call store security, but they’re dumb high schoolers who weren’t even sure if they wanted to take my glasses. I could grab the glasses and run, but as previously mentioned, I didn’t really have the gall to do that. I could continue arguing with the two girls in tie dyed shirts and cut off shorts. Or there could be a really awkward silence where we just stare at each other for a long period of time — my glasses still clutched in the one girl’s hands.

It’s at this point I have a stroke of genius….and a few clicks later I’m holding up my iPhone…

This is me with GoldDust. I am wearing the sunglasses in question.

The girls don’t say a word. The one holding my glasses hands them back to me and we all turn wordlessly away from each other and walk away. I get stopped at the door so they can check my receipt and make sure I’m not stealing the gallon of milk I’ve been holding the whole time. As soon as I’m outside in the sunshine, protected from the elements by my once again mine sunglasses, I head to twitter.

I had to share this immediately.

After some time that day, and some talk back and forth about how I should have thrown nail polish at them to distract them, grabbed my glasses and run, I forgot about the debacle. I mean, I had gotten my glasses back. All’s well that end’s well, right? WRONG.

They gon’ get you.

Target. Getting all those preteen sunglass stealing bitches, one at a time.

Seriously though. If you find something, and you can return it, or are given the opportunity RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU to do the right thing…do you?

*The writer admits that these two chicks may not have used this exact dialogue. However, they were in tie dyed shirts and cut off shorts, and did, in fact, use the phrase “Finders Keepers.”


About L.A.

Mom Life/Engaged Life/Blog Life/Love Life

Posted on June 27, 2012, in Fix My Lighthouse, Twatterpants and other social networks and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. What if those two WERE the ‘Store Operations’ team? Right? Profit margins are pretty thin these days. Maybe this is Target’s secret advantage; selling us our own stuff. ‘Finders Keepers’ sounds a lot like one of those corporate training programs.

  2. I wanna know if you actually replied to Target, haha!

  3. Lol. Awesome story. Putting sh^tty kids in their place stories always warm this dude’s heart. True story. =)

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