there is no title for how i am feeling now.

When I was 12 years old, I tried to kill myself. In retrospect, I never would have succeeded, because I was 12, I was relatively sheltered, and really had no idea what I was doing. But the idea was there. My world had disintegrated to the point where I no longer wanted to be a part of it.

Today, I attended the funeral of a 12 year old who committed suicide.

My heart broke today when his mother spoke at his funeral. That she had the strength to stand up after just losing her son.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “That I didn’t love you enough to keep you going.”

You loved him enough. I know you loved him even more than you were capable of.

If you’ve been following my twitter, you’ve seen some posts about this, occasionally ambiguous, but still there. I had no idea how to get my thoughts out about this. I tried to write earlier, but it came out more angry than anything else, and this isn’t something to be angry about.

The more I think about it, the more I am grateful that I hadn’t died that day. I realize more and more the people I would’ve affected, people I love whose lives would have been forever changed because of it.

I wanted to write something that helped people understand this. Depression. I’ve been there. But I didn’t want to write something that would seem like I was just trying to pass my opinion off on you.

This is just my story.

Since I was 12 years, I’ve had issues with depression. It could have been longer than that, but I was 12 was when I was first aware of it, and first did something about it. Since then, I’ve been to therapy. I’ve been on different medications. I’ve had some episodes in my life that I’d like to forget, but will never, because of what I’ve learned from them.

From what I know, being depressed has made me feel more alone than I ever have. This is while being in a stable home environment, having a good circle of friends, and people who love me more than I could begin to fathom. I still felt alone. Lucky for me, I have come back from that. I’ve grown because of it. When I begin to slip, I know what it feels like, I know how to stop myself, when to ask someone to please help me, because I’m not sure I can fight this alone. 

I know I’m lucky to be here today.

I’m not quite sure what the point of this post is. But I do know that talking about this, spreading awareness about depression is a good thing. Keep informed, keep close to those you love.

Take care of each other.

About L.A.

Mom Life/Engaged Life/Blog Life/Love Life

Posted on March 9, 2012, in Words and Phrases and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. Really powerful, amazing, heart felt post-thank you so much for writing this, your honesty and bravery are incredible.

  2. lifeandothermisadventures

    I am just incredibly sad to hear this. I do think it is up to those of us who have been through those kinds of experiences to speak the truth about depression, so that hopefully we can help someone else who is suffering. Many blessings to you, and all the family and friends of this child.

    • Thank you. That’s exactly why I wrote this. Creating awareness is such a huge part of helping people with depression.

  3. Oh LA! Girl I wish I could give you a hug! Thats the saddest thing for a fam to go through. You wrote about it so eloquently.:/ we are all here for you!

  4. Bravo for speaking up about something so many suffer in silence with. I think a lot of people can relate to your words. I am sorry that a family is suffering immensely right now because of depression. It is sad to think a child felt so alone, so without hope, that death and that world beyond here, whatever it is, seemed like a far better option.

    Keep your head up LA! And to quote my favorite movie:

    “I always tell the girls, never take it seriously, if ya never take it seriosuly, ya never get hurt, ya never get hurt, ya always have fun, and if you ever get lonely, just go to the record store and visit your friends.”
    Penny Lane – Almost Famous

    • Penny Lane is actually one of my favorite movie characters. Almost Famous is a great movie, thanks for mentioning that line.

      And thank you for commenting too, this is exactly why I wanted to write this post!

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