This is a little bit like Sex Ed. If I went to Public School.

You are about to learn something. Sort of. You are about to learn something to the extent of my knowledge on the subject. But. Since I went to a Catholic grade school. And high school. And college, for that matter. Sex Ed didn’t really teach as much as I now realize it should have.

We learned instead, that when you grow up, you can either be a priest, a nun, or get married. IF you so desire to get married, then, obviously after marriage, you may have sexual intercourse. Which is an experience between you and your partner in marriage and God.

You know what they didn’t teach us during this class? Condoms. STDS. Unplanned Pregnancy(which really would have helped me out, in my child bearing period of life.). Sexual Reproductive Organs.

FunSized and I were chilling out one night, and we came to this conversation. It began with FunSized’s old roommate:

“We were doing sit ups one night,” FunSized tells me. “And EVERYTIME she went up, she would queef.”

“I haaate the queef,” I tell her. “Most awkward bodily sound ever.”

“RIGHT?” FunSized agrees. “She kept saying she was just farting-”

“Since that’s so much better,” I interject.

“Yes,” FunSized continues. “But I’m pretty sure it’s because she had a loose vagina.”

“Is that the sound a loose vagina makes?” I ask. “Because everybody queefs.”

Therefore, we decided: The sound of a loose vagina.

From the loose vagina, we moved on to the next sexual organ that Catholic schools had taught us next to nothing about: the uncircumcised penis. Which I apparently know so little about, that spell check got me. I was unaware of how to spell uncircumcised.

I attempt to analogy my thoughts on the uncircumcised penis.

“I feel like it probably looks like a shot gun. You know, that weird little thing on it that you slide up and down to load?”

Locked and Loaded.

FunSized cracks up. “Haven’t you heard that it just looks like a hot dog?”

I agree. “I have, but I have a hard time picturing that.”

Complete with Condiments.

“Anyway,” FunSized continues. “I always figured it was just like an extra layer. Like a sweater or something.”

“So,” I ask. “If I just put like an old Barbie sweater on a regular penis, it’ll look like an uncircumcised one?”

Sweater courtesy of “Winter Fun Barbie”

By this time, FunSized and I are practically peeing our pants from laughter. Have we learned anything, really? No. Wait. I’m wrong. We did learn something.

“I feel like a loose vagina and a uncircumcised penis would be friends and have conversations.” I tell her.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Yeah! The vagina would be like, ‘Have sex with me! It’ll be like a hotdog in a hallway!’ and the penis would be all, ‘IT’S OKAY, I have a bun!‘”

I’m sorry. I lied. We really didn’t learn anything after all.

*Update: I forgot to mention that the creation of this post, or moreso, the writer’s block prior to the creation of this post lead to the #angwypenii hashtag on the Twatter network.

An #angrypenii: 8=====D:<

Enjoy that. Then follow us and our twatter community on Twitter.

About L.A.

Mom Life/Engaged Life/Blog Life/Love Life

Posted on September 15, 2011, in Merriments, PSA, We Think We're Funny and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. Foreskin feels REALLY good. It’s the best part. The skin on cut and intact guys starts and ends in the same place; there’s just more in the middle so it can slink around, kind of like how the skin on a dog’s back can glide from the rump to the shoulders.

  2. Oh dear jeebus lawd…

    My sides, face, and lungs hurt from laughing. Forever live the #angwypenii.

  3. OMG! haha I hope those drawings aren’t saved on a family computer! That;d be tough to explain to your family…

  1. Pingback: Run, L.A., Run! | Chicks In The Mitt

  2. Pingback: the thankful post | Chicks In The Mitt

  3. Pingback: We’re the Cougars, obvi. | Chicks In The Mitt

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: