L.A. becomes magical when talking shit. Beat that.

The other day, my mother comes into my room at some random hour (imagine it just being fairly late. Post midnight. I’m basically comatose.) and asks me if I can do her a favor.

My initial response?

No. No, Mother, I cannot do you any more favors, because NUMBER ONE, your daughter is comatose and will not be able to be awoken by anything other than a two year old or excessive texting. And NUMBER TWO, the last favor I did for you ended up with the following consequence:

Two Year old boy with blue toes

Those are my two year old’s toes. They are blue. Painted by a blue sharpie.

Yeah. EXACTLY.

My mother asks me this and I’m reminded of the last “family loving” post I did, where I wished the big sis, VS, a happy birthday. I also told her how amusing it would be to do a weekly post regarding our mother.

Shit My [Asian] Mother Says.

Now, as much as I enjoy how good that title rolls off the tongue, you know what would roll a whole lot better? Alliteration.

Therefore, I’m going to call this feature: Shit My [Asian] Mother Says Saturday.

YAY WEEKEND. I told you I was going to be magical. Look at that. I just made it the weekend a whole freaking day and a half early. Go ahead. Have a drink. Stay out late. Make a bad decision. Have ANOTHER drink. And then comment, because your inhibitions are down and GOD KNOWS, we all have great stories about our parents.

Today’s shit that my mother said involves TV. You know who loves TV? My mother. You know who provides great commentary to TV? My mother.

Now. For those of you who don’t know or don’t read every word, my mother is Asian. She’s from the Philippines. It’s great. She has lots of Filipino friends, who cook lots of delicious Filipino food, and they all love Charice.

This is Charice. She was on Glee. My mom does not watch Glee. She watched this episode.

So, my mom comes home from work and she is excited.

“[Filipino Coworker] told me Charice is on Glee! We have to watch it!”

“Mom,” I ask her. “Do you watch Glee?”

She shrugs. “No…but Charice is on!”

So we turn on the show. I was going to watch it anyway.

Then:

Rachel, on the show says, “Your name is Sunshine Corazon! You are from the Philippines where it is sunny all the time!”

“Yeah, except for the monsoons,” says Sunshine, also on the show.

“Oh yeah,” says my mother, to the TV. “The monsoons are bad.”

My aunt nods in agreement. “Oh yeah, the monsoons.”

I can’t even speak. I grab my phone and text VS.

L.A.: Mom is talking to the TV about how bad monsoons are.

VS: Get it on tape.

 

We’re watching Expedition Impossible. It’s like Survivor, but deadlier, and it’s like the only option we have since Mom got mad at Comcast and cancelled cable. We only have this channel because Dad needed to watch the Superbowl and bought an antenna.

Who plows by hand? FUCKING NOBODY.

So, in this particular episode, people are expected to build a plow, then plow a field. By hand. It is obviously a horrible thing to have to do.

Mom: “Oh, I can’t believe they’re doing this.”

L.A.: “Well, Mom,  there are still farmers out there. Growing  things. Plowing things.”

Mom: “Yes, but who does this with hand plows? (Scoffs) In the Philippines, my brother uses his water buffalo.”

L.A.: “WE OWN A WATER BUFFALO IN OUR FAMILY?!”

L.A.’s Aunt: “Oh no.  He owns two.

Well. Now I have to find out who I need to talk to to get a water buffalo.

Hi, I’m Kenny, and I’ll be pulling your shit today.

AND THAT concludes this week’s episode of Shit My [Asian] Mom Says Saturday. On Thursday. I hope you all enjoyed your impromptu fake weekend.

About L.A.

Mom Life/Engaged Life/Blog Life/Love Life

Posted on August 23, 2011, in DeLorean DMC-12, Words and Phrases and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 11 Comments.

  1. ohhhhh I love the serenade. great way to end the post.

  2. My hair looks excellent in that video. Good sheen (not like Charlie, he is the bad sheen, but I digress). You forgot to mention your family owner rice paddy!!

  3. ahahahaha… this is bloody amazing. i am speechless. poof’s hair looks really excellent and you have a lovely voice!

  4. Yay for driving videos (I say this because there could be one coming up from me…though I don’t sing in it). Bummer.

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