Every Monday during the school time portion of the year, my father and I pack up our pencils and folders and go sing for a few hours with 140-some odd other people. We’ve sung German, and Elvish, and Orcish, and Latin, and Christmas music, and church music, and Requiems, and we’ve sung an awful lot about Frodo and the ring of power.
One of my favorite parts about Monday night, however, is when we finish up choir and head home — where inevitably my mother, aunt, and child will be watching one of the four TV channels we have. Which means depending on the time of year, we’re either watching The Bachelor, or like we were last night –
Dancing with the [occasionally B list, but mostly C list, D List, and the occasional athlete] Stars.
I realized far too late that I should have been #LiveTweeting all the episodes I watched. Because my mom gets into it. And not only that — she gets the Boo into it too. He won’t take a bath now without dancing naked to Gangnam Style. I can’t put a gif of that because it’s inappropriate. But while he’s watching the show, he’s all-
“OH, she fell down! Only a 7! 7!”
So, last night, I finally realized that #livetweet was the way to go and ended up posting this jewel of a tweet:
MOST POPULAR TWEET OF MINE EVER. My Dad went on to explain exactly why the gymnasts and skaters shouldn’t be allowed on the show — their trade is just too similar to dancing and gives them an unfair edge.
Dad: They’ve spent their lives learning basically the same moves that they’ll learn on this show. If I can’t tell who’s famous and who’s the professional, they shouldn’t be allowed on the show.
Me: But Kristi Yamaguchi!
Dad: Should not have been on the show.
Me: But it’s Kristi Yamaguchi!
Dad: She’s too good! You need someone like you and your mom were talking about that knows nothing about this and needs to learn.
This then brought into the discussion — who should be allowed on the show? Should the figure skaters and gymnasts be banned for this “edge?” What about the pro athletes? Should athletes be banned because they’re in better shape than say, Kirstie Alley? There have been various football players/basketball players on the show, and it hasn’t necessarily given them any extra talent. And Apollo Triple Name Ohno is a skater, but he only skates in circles, should he not be allowed? OR, let’s talk about the pop star type people — the cheetah girl Sabrina obviously has dancing in her life, so is her group of stars out? And let’s be honest, Drew Lachey and Joey Fatone, former participants of boy bands? ALL SORTS OF DANCING THERE.
WHAT LINES CAN BE CROSSED?!
Unfortunately, DWTS has wrapped for the sesason, so we can no longer criticize Pamela Anderson’s ability to dance exactly like my Barbie’s did when I was little, or question Bristol Palin‘s mother’s political ambitions (I’m not sure exactly why people complain on twitter about Sarah Palin during Dancing with the Stars. She’s not dancing. I’m pretty sure the judges didn’t dock points from Bristol for political affiliation.), or even debate if Melissa Rycroft, the ex cheerleader-Bachelor-Bachelorette participant, deserved to win. You know what we can do? Debate who will be on next season.
Here’s my short list:
1. Me – Because if/when I get published, I’ll totally be at least C or D list and thus allowed to participate.
2. Brad Pitt – You saw that perfume commercial he did, right? Bad Decisions, Brad.
3. Bob Barker – I will also settle for Alex Trebek.
4. Brendan Shanahan – Since the NHL is basically doing nothing right now, I feel like Shanny can step on the dance floor. Plus, I had a crush on him when I was little. I’d be amused.
5. Katie Holmes – Dawson’s Creek on the dance floor? SOLD.
6. Anna Kournikova – she’s not doing anything now, right?
Who would you want to put on the show next season? Hockey is still cancelled, so you have lots of time to think about this. Oh, and by the way. Spoiler Alert. Melissa wins.