I have two confessions to make.
One. This post contains spoilers circa 1993.
Two. I am terrible with horror movies. This isn’t normal level oh God I’m so freaked out and I might jump a little while watching scared. This is I didn’t sleep for two days after I saw The Ring and was positive that bitch was hanging out outside my window waiting for me to let my guard down scared.
Even previews for horror movies freak me out. I’ve forced myself to watch movies after seeing the preview because I needed to know that these fictional characters that I’ve encountered for 1 minute and 12 seconds survived.
The best part about all of this intense fear of a genre is why I have said intense fear of a genre. And to understand that, we must travel back in time – to a simpler time, when Sarah Jessica Parker hadn’t had sex in a city yet, when Bette Middler was the wind beneath my wings, and when I had a crush on one Omri Katz.
Now, to put this into perspective, I was six when I first saw this movie. Actually, I was six when I saw most of this movie. And let’s be honest: Winifred Sanderson is pretty effing scary when you’re six years old. For whatever reason, I was watching Hocus Pocus, for the first time, by myself, at age six. My parents weren’t home. My older sister was not watching with me. And I don’t know if you know the premise of Hocus Pocus, but these crazy fucking witches come back from the dead and suck the life out of little children – which is exactly what I was at age six.
Suck. The Life. Out of Children.
So, I’m watching this terrible movie where these witches are coming after these kids to suck their life out, and completely missing great moments like the bus driver because I was too young to understand…
…and I am bat shit terrified. Like watching the movie with one eye terrified, because apparently that made it less scary, to only allow fifty percent of my vision to see the movie.
Well, I’m struggle-bussing my way through this movie, just about positive that the witches were going to lose, because it was a Disney movie, and everyone knew that Disney movies have to have a happy ending except for Bambi’s Mom because what a terrible movie.
And then this amazing moment happened where the kids forced the witches into a giant oven and fried them to death. Take that, Bette Middler. Everything is fine! The kids are dancing in the yard because they win, and the world is safe from life sucking creatures and -
YEAH. Omri just cooked the witches and they did not die.
Well, being the brave six year old that I was, that was about as much as I could handle. The witches did not die after being cooked, and therefore were not going to die, which meant that the good guys lost, and the bad guys won, and I was sleeping in my sister’s bed that night.
Except my sister wouldn’t let me in her bed. I huddled in my parents bed until they came home, absolutely terrified that the Sanderson sisters were going to come after me since I had watched half of Hocus Pocus. When my dad moved me back to my bed, I was sure that the shadows behind my Little Tykes kitchen were Winifred, waiting for me to fall asleep. I was the next Emily Binx, and was bound to be until 1999.
Six years later, when my family upgraded to cable from bunny ears antennas, I finally saw the end of Hocus Pocus when it aired on the Disney Channel.
Hot damn, I realized. The witches lose after all.
And that, my friends, is why Laura doesn’t do horror.
So, I live in this city called Grand Rapids, MI. It’s a nice city.
There comes a time in Grand Rapids, MI where we are a little more widely known. People come from all over to see the great display of Art Prize.
Art Prize is a giant explosion of stuff in downtown Grand Rapids. The whole downtown area is like a giant canvas for artists. People cram into downtown like sardines and get to vote on what their favorite piece is. Yay, public opinion!
There is an excellent part about Artprize – the constant debate on what defines art. As far as I know, anyone can enter Art Prize. Last year, a tapestry won. Another year, Jesus won. The variety of art spans from musical performances to musicals, to sculptures and paintings, and to this furry box located in front of the hockey arena with eggs inside. There was a year when a giant pig was art. And another year that a penny made of pennies was art.
And this year, Boo decided to define art as only a six year old can.
Boo: Mom, look! It’s more art!
Me: Boo, that’s not art.
Boo: It’s in artprize!
Me: Boo, it’s a garbage chute.
Boo: Oh, I thought it was art because it was so tall.
Me: Nope, just garbage.
Boo: Now why would anyone put garbage into artprize??!
Vote on, Grand Rapids.
These are days, guys.
If you read Buzzfeed, or are on Facebook, or Instagram, or Twitter, or any social media with other like minded people (re: TwentySomethings), then you know that now is the time to be running, or working out, or eating healthy, or staying healthy, or something like that.
Everyone and their mother is working out and running 5ks and 10ks and 26.2ks and Blerg-Ks and eating all this kale and does anyone really even like kale?!
Seriously. You hit your twenties and it’s just the thing to be doing. Or maybe the time to start telling people about the thing you were already doing. (I wasn’t doing it before, really.)
It involved running and getting hit by things, then rinsing and repeating. Somewhere in the part where we were not getting hit by things, FunSized and I started talking about her latest piece of bling.
FunSized: It’s a Fitbit. It tracks how far you walk everyday. Like my goal is 10,000 steps and it’ll freak out when I hit it.
Me: 10,000 steps, huh?
FunSized: Yeah. I’ll definitely hit it today since we’re doing this, but it just motivates you to move around more. Like I know that you should park far away from Target, but now I actually park far away from Target.
Me: You’re kidding.
FunSized: During winter, I would walk to the store and just walk around until I hit my goal.
Me: …Sometimes when I go to the store, I’m tired and try to get Boo to push me in the cart instead.
So, I decided to join this revolution. I mean, I have a very big office. That has got to be a lot of steps I take everyday. At the very least, maybe FunSized would be right, and it would motivate me to move around more. Thus, the next time I was at Target, I parked as close as possible for the last time ever, and bought myself a Fitbit.
I got approximately 3,573 steps.
“I’ve only owned it a day.” I told myself. “And it was only part of the day. So it really doesn’t count.”
I had 8,105 steps.
“What are you doing?” my mother asks me.
“Walking around the kitchen table,” I tell her.
“FunSized told me this thing would freak out when I reached my goal.” I tell her.
“Hm.” my mother tells me.
I’m in shock that I don’t take 10,000 steps per day. It doesn’t seem right. MY OFFICE IS LARGE, people. But then this happened.
Total steps? 11,373. I’ve never been so happy to see a piece of technology freak out on me.
Obviously I am more than capable of taking 10,000 steps in a day, because I did it the day before. I’m a pro now. So when it gets to midnight, and I only have 8,746 steps, I’m pissed. Like legitimately upset and realizing that THIS IS WHY I AM NO LONGER SKINNY, because obviously I never took the time to park far away or count my steps and I knew I should have been jogging in place while watching The Fault in Our Stars last night.
It’s finally acting like Spring outside, which means that the snow might be gone, but it’s windy and rainy and chilly outside. Considering what happened the last time Poof and I ventured outside in the wind, we’ve been taking to staying indoors. I head over to her place with coffee for everyone, and we chill out, watch TV, and partake in whatever is on TV that morning.
Today, commentary as follows:
L.A.: You know, that one douchebag is really starting to grow on me.
L.A.: No, I know who he is. I mean the dad douchebag.
Poof: Bruce Jenner?
L.A.: No, no. The douchebag that’s a dad.
Poof: Bruce Jenner?
L.A.: The dad that’s married to one of the daughters.
Poof: Which daughter?
L.A.: Lord Douchebag.
Poof: OH. Scott.
Poof: I mean, you really just can’t go around saying “that douchebag” with this show. I mean, it IS the Kardashians.
Me: I finally watched the purple wedding.
Her: Joffrey is such a little chatch.
Me: You’ve gotta hate someone.
Her: List of people you can hate: Cersei, the lady that birthed period blood in air form, the man that chopped off Jamie’s hand and hung it around his neck like an asshole…
Me: NOT THE POINT.
Her: …everyone that came to the wedding and was mean to Tyrion because what a guy, social media spoiler-ers…
Me: STILL NOT THE POINT.
Her: …George R.R. Martin for making us all love his nonsense so much.
Me: He must not get invited to weddings ever.
Her: At the rate you’re going, he can basically plan yours.
Her: I’m just going to add my name to the list after Joffrey and Cersei. Please don’t poison my drink.
Me: I’m going to die alone.
Poof and I have this tendency to go out on Tuesday and Thursday mornings. It’s our default. I’ll put on nice shoes. We’ll take photos for her blog. We usually head to our favorite local coffee shop, MADCAP COFFEE…
…because it’s local, it’s delicious, and they do that thing where they make my Mocha look like a heart, and it’s nice to feel loved.
Well, since this is the rule, here is the exception:
Poof: Not in the mood.
Poof: Sure. I want a root beer float.
Poof had this thing when she was pregnant with LittlePoof where she always craved root beer floats. It was her food. My weakness when I was pregnant?
Cue to eating lunch yesterday.
Me: I’ll have the chicken tenders basket, please.
Mom: Didn’t you just get chicken tenders the other day?
Mom: And you want it again?
Me: I like chicken.
Boo: I like chicken too!
Mom: *Forceful Gaze*
Me: I’m not.
Mom: *Cynical Squinting*
Me: No, but really.
Mom: *James Marsden’s Character in X-Men*
Me: BUT FOR SERIOUS.
Mom: *Jedi Mind Trick*
Me: I HAVE ONE ALREADY.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you “Why I have added giving up Chicken Fingers to my lenten promise.”
Two years ago, I wrote one of my most embarrassing, albeit favorite blog posts since I started blogging back in 2010.
I’ve tried to write various other posts regarding the paczkis and the fattiness of Mardi Gras, but nothing comes close to the Poonch-Key post.
So instead, to follow up Fat Tuesday…
It’s perfect, it’s chronological, and I get to tell you about this guy seeing me with my ashes and being all…
If you feelin’ like a Pope, Catholics, do not brush your forehead off.
Bitches be sinners, Catholics, do not brush your forehead off.
I hope this guy didn’t give up being awesome for lent.